Xmas

Never thought I would be so depressed and lonely up here in Manhattan.

I truthfully, have not in the past few years, celebrated holidays like I used to as a child. It just doesn't seem to do much to my heart. Just seems like the same old thing. You go to see your family, and stuff yourself with turkey and dressing. And hope.. HOPE, that they remembered you in their xmas budgets for the year. And that's about it. Nothing more. Just that. Then you go home and try and figure out how to deal with the rest of your life.

This year, was obviously different. If you've read(and you probbaly haven't), the Thanksgiving post on this blog, you remember how depressed I was. Well, it has returned, but only partially. Now, its a mixture of the sense of trying to figure out what the heck to do with the time I am now afforded with all this time on my hands(almost a month till school starts again), and the time I end up wandering the streets of the New York with my iPod screaming Bright Eyes. I usually enjoy wandering these streets. I do. I promise. But alone, any place in the world can feel like a scene from a depressing movie where the characters lover just died, and the dog ran off.

It's odd. How many people truly seem to see you as part of there lives. And a holiday season like this makes that all clear. Only three people who I claim as friends have been in touch today. Everyone, for whatever reason has kept to themselves. Was not this the season of love and loving? Maybe I'm just ranting as the time of emptiness(time and whatever else), seeps into my brain.. but oh well. I just want to be cared about. And honestly, I am tired of being the one who reaches out to everyone to show love. I want to get those calls sometimes too.

And...I am trying to figure out how to fill these days with creative projects, or so I had planned. Something that will bring the artist out in me, rather than hold on to the machine I had become during the semester. I am scared to death that I have failed Art History, but the teacher wont keep in touch and a mix-up with email has me checking my email and my grades consistantly.

Angry. Sad. Alone. Justin - 3:45pm