Never thought I would be so depressed and lonely up here in Manhattan.

I truthfully, have not in the past few years, celebrated holidays like I used to as a child. It just doesn't seem to do much to my heart. Just seems like the same old thing. You go to see your family, and stuff yourself with turkey and dressing. And hope.. HOPE, that they remembered you in their xmas budgets for the year. And that's about it. Nothing more. Just that. Then you go home and try and figure out how to deal with the rest of your life.

This year, was obviously different. If you've read(and you probbaly haven't), the Thanksgiving post on this blog, you remember how depressed I was. Well, it has returned, but only partially. Now, its a mixture of the sense of trying to figure out what the heck to do with the time I am now afforded with all this time on my hands(almost a month till school starts again), and the time I end up wandering the streets of the New York with my iPod screaming Bright Eyes. I usually enjoy wandering these streets. I do. I promise. But alone, any place in the world can feel like a scene from a depressing movie where the characters lover just died, and the dog ran off.

It's odd. How many people truly seem to see you as part of there lives. And a holiday season like this makes that all clear. Only three people who I claim as friends have been in touch today. Everyone, for whatever reason has kept to themselves. Was not this the season of love and loving? Maybe I'm just ranting as the time of emptiness(time and whatever else), seeps into my brain.. but oh well. I just want to be cared about. And honestly, I am tired of being the one who reaches out to everyone to show love. I want to get those calls sometimes too.

And...I am trying to figure out how to fill these days with creative projects, or so I had planned. Something that will bring the artist out in me, rather than hold on to the machine I had become during the semester. I am scared to death that I have failed Art History, but the teacher wont keep in touch and a mix-up with email has me checking my email and my grades consistantly.

Angry. Sad. Alone. Justin - 3:45pm




After the past few weeks of not having a decent set of headphones for my iPod, I have finally got a replacement set. And by the way, when I say decent, I mean "working". I even tried to use them with only one of the two headphones working.

Some people will tell you, maybe even Apple Store employees(which I think are useless anyways. Tekserve on 23rd is much better, if you live in NYC), have told you that Apple don't sell the headphones by themselves. Well, consider it all a lie. I was a bit suspicious, and alot happy when I saw an ad for them in the J&R Computer World ad recently, so with a little of my birthday money(cause i'm poor), went down and picked up a pair.

Surprisingly, they seem to be an Apple product. Not just some hack job, where they took the remote/earphone set and sold only the earphones. Believe me, I've tried all the solutions. Not only buying the remote set (sans remote), but also going so far as to buying a fake pair on ebay. I just want my white earphones. I know alot of people think they are crap, and that's fine, but for the money they're fine by me.

One last note. Interestingly enough.. they seem to have been updated/adjusted. Not only are there no little foam buds included in the box, but the shape of the earphone has been streamlined. Even down to taking the little dark grey circle off the outside of the earphone off, that tells you if it is the Left or Right one. Now, it is represented, in a thin font on the inside. The sound it produces is interesting too. I'm having to re-adjust to it. My ears have been so far away these things, for the most part of november. Also, I'm noticing they don't take much to get loud. The iPod is only registering 40-50% and it starts getting a slight loud now. I remember the days when I would enter the subway with 80-90%. I'm too scared to try that now,but give it a few months.

Evening. Justin-6:00pm



On this day of holiday. Families are together. Cousins seeing each other after months of separation, and uncles drinking cheap beer together. And as much as I never understood a real need for my family back in the south, I't almost makes me a bit sad today, as I sit here in this quiet dorm room in Manhattan. Alone.

But past all that, I was contemplating my future. No, not necessarily what I'll be doing for the next four years of my college career and after, but rather.. how.

Alot of people are drawn to the hipster aesthetic. And I guess it holds a certain charm at times. The parties, the attitude(that your doing well). The clothes. And the sense that EVERYTHING was designed, and thought out. As if it was all a stage drama. Slightly beautiful in a way, but yet.. Not.

I sit here, and look over a blog done by an acquaintance. It reeks of hipster lifestyle. And I consider, even if I wanted to create(art), in that school of thought, would I be good enough to join. And do I care(no)? Just an interesting thought.

Is it possible to just do the work you love and be a part of a beautiful thing, without having to wear the right clothes or "design" how wrinkled your shirt should be, to make it look hip. I have more important things to consider in life to be honest. My purpose on this earth, I don't believe, was to be hip. I have no idea how I come off to people. I only have a remembrance of the time I've spent going over the few photos I have of myself, to make sure that what I show on the net isn't fully ugly. Fully detestable.

I guess I'm ok with not being a hipster. It's too much work.

Afternoon. Justin-3:30pm



So begins Thanksgiving break. Some of my friends, and all my roommates are leaving for the week, thus leaving me by myself. Not only to get some much needed catching up on school work. But to try and have a holiday without family, as this is my first holiday without family somewhere close.

Evening. Justin-6:45pm


Quite an interesting day I have had.

My skipping of my 2D design class, went over well. As if it was supposed to go horribly wrong (dead art students bodies laying all along 5th avenue, as I stand at the corner of 13th and 5th with spray mount and a bad bad smile on my face...)? No, the day went well. It was a bit tight on the scheduling, but other than that, it was good.

With a good friend, I went to the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA), here in the city. And have come to the conclusion that, as much as I didn't like the Moma before, I now have more reasons to think that its just possibly a waste of commercial property in Manhattan. Maybe it's just a white walled place for hipsters to go, and show off their mind-boggling skills at knowing who made a certain brand thermostat, or who the REAL designer was for the new look of the Mac. I realize that there is a need for all this, and I respect those designers, but please leave the pretentiousness at home, with your 500 dollar Bape sneaks and your fake turtlenecks. Please!

I can't stand pretentious art freaks. I 'm sure I am opinionated at times, and I have moments where I think a piece of art was made by an elephant with a paintbrush, rather than a skilled, thoughtful person.. but c'mon. But, as said, these are just opinions.

But back to the trip to the Moma. We were there, to get photos of certain pieces of art, and write a short essay about the piece for our 3D design course. As we entered one of the painting/sculpture floors and turned the corner, I noticed a large Picasso to the right (“Les Demoiselles d'Avignon” 1907. Oil on canvas 8' x 7' 8" - 243.9 x 233.7 cm). And as much as I've never been a Picasso fan, it's always interesting to see a famous painting up close, with no velvet ropes to hold you back. That's one of the reasons I like the Metropolitan Museum of Art (MET) in Upper Manhattan. They let you do just about anything you want, short of touching the piece. There's something special, about being able to see the brush strokes of Degas, or all the dabs of paint that made a impressionists field of lilies and grass.

But, back to my Picasso experience.

So, just like I would at any other museum, I went to the right of the painting, and leaned in, to get a glimpse. And from behind me, I hear an “art guard(crazy person)” who decided that I was too close, and thought he should echo across the room, to stop me from my obvious art vandalisation. I know it's his job and maybe I was too close. Who knows. But, as it is hung, it is free to be spat on, free to be peed upon (Warhol would have loved that....). If it's so damn precious, and “untouchable”, make it untouchable.

Night. Justin-12:30am



I am here alone in the workroom/study at my dorm in Lower Manhattan. Alone. Radiohead blaring out of the small by mighty speakers in my mac. I am skipping class tomorrow. I only had one class, and the class is not one I usually miss, so I am taking a sick day. I, actually, have the sniffles btw. But that is not the real reason. I had a rough night, emotionally, and felt like just staying up late and doing nothing that happened to be productive. Then in the morning, sleep as late as I would like to.

I won't go into all the details, about what happened in the first part of the evening, as doesn't matter. My sweet friend showed more maturity and sweetness(is that a word?), than friends I have, in the past, held in high regard. She's someone I truly should hold onto.

Secondly the hw I had worked on since 8pm fell apart, and wasn't cooperating. SO i just decided to just shelve it.

The other incidents, were more a mish-mash of people acting rude or trying to act helpful and diplomatic. The rude, first, was partly in kidding, and partly in OCD. But nevertheless, it was rude. And I have very little time for that in my life at this point. The other, “helpfulness” was a friend trying to get me out of the depressed cavern I was in emotionally, and he failed miserably. He failed so bad, that it became just another annoyance, added onto the evening.

Sometimes, I feel, the best thing to do, is just leave someone alone when they are having a hard time. You don't always have to fix them, or the problem. Just smile at them, and let them know you care. It is ridiculous to think, that we can fix all problems with this phrase, “It's gonna be okay.. so don't let it get to ya”. It's almost condescending. As if I am weak, and they are strong. As if they passed some imaginary course on “life lessons”, and I am just lugging emotional baggage around, till someone shows me the way. That's crap.

I am not emotionally perfect. I may not even be fit to be in an intimate relationship at this point. Who knows. But I do know who I am, and I know what gets me agitated. I know that I love my God, and I know I love art. Anything other than that, is always a toss up.

Night. Justin-4am
Images Copyright © 2006 Justin Cash